Screech
by Siko Kudou
Summary: *Scream parody* Weird stuff is happening around Bishounen High...
1. Sakura's Demise

Beware of Sukura-bashing(so, uh, if you're not cool with that, I suggest not reading this…and now you have no reason to flame me!) and character death!

(it's about 9:00 in a secluded home waaaaaaaay out of town…in this house resides…TOMOE SAKURA*I guess she has her own place now…*! (author retches) 

Sakura: *putting on a tape and hopping on her couch* Yay! I'll *finally* get to watch it! *phone rings* Eh?! Who could that be at this hour? *hops up to pick the phone up* Moshi moshi?

Voice:  Hello there…

Sakura: Is this Aya?

Voice: No.

Sakura: I really like Aya.

Voice: I'm very happy for you.

Sakura: Aya is the best person in the world.

Voice: Good for him...

Sakura: Are you Aya?

Voice: No, I'm not Aya, you twit!

Sakura: …oh. Do you know Aya?

Voice: *groans*

Sakura: Are you okay?

Voice: I'm starting to regret this…so, what's your favorite scary movie?

Sakura: Scary movie? I don't like scary movies, they're scary!

Voice: Yes, I think that would be the point…

Sakura: Who is this?

Voice: You tell me.

Sakura: Ummmm…*thinks for about 20 minutes* 

Voice: *heavy sigh* So, what are you doing?

Sakura: I'm getting ready to watch a movie!

Voice: Is it a scary movie?

Sakura: What did I just tell you about scary movies?! This is a surveillance tape-

Voice: I don't need to know anymore. 

Sakura: I planted it in Aya's bedroom! Isn't that great?!

Voice: I cannot control my sheer excitement.

Sakura: *giggles* Me either! Did you know that I can run?!

Voice: Fabulous.

Sakura: So, um, why did you call?

Voice: I'm going to kill you.

Sakura: *giggles* You're funny!

Voice: I'm going to rip you intestines out.

Sakura: *stops laughing and pouts* That wasn't very nice!

Voice: I'm very proud of you for realizing this…Sakura.

Sakura: *gasps* How did you know my name?!

Voice: I'm smart.

Sakura: Wowwwwwww!

Voice: *sighs once more* Why don't you turn on the patio light?

Sakura: Why?

Voice: It's a surprise!

Sakura: YAY! A SURPRISE! *quickly rushes over to turn on the lights and finds that it's a blow-up doll of Aya, crappily constructed I might add, that's tied to a chair, covered in ketchup* AHHH! AYA-SAN! *starts to open the door*

Voice: I wouldn't do that if I were you!

Sakura: *cries* Why are you doing this?!

Voice: Because I wanna plat a game with you…

Sakura: A…game…? Ooh, can it be Candyland?!

Voice: It's trivia.

Sakura: No, Candyland!

Voice: Do you want Aya to die?!

Sakura: NO, NO! …unless I can have his corpse *giggles*

Voice: …alright, I'm through with you, I'm not going to waste my time with the questions.

Sakura: Ehhh? *suddenly the window breaks* AHHHH!

(a scary figure in a Ronald Reagan mask and a cloak walks in holding the Aya blow-up doll)

Scary figure: Now you die! *runs at her*

Sakura: *screams for the thousandth time and runs away, only to be trip 'cause she forgot to tie her shoelaces(smirks)*

Scary figure: *beats her with the Aya blow-up doll*

Sakura: Noooooo, Aya-san! I bought you ice-cream, remember?!  


	2. After School Fun!

(the next day the Weiss and Schwarz guys-…well, actually there really are no assassin groups…well, 8 teenage guys…yes, we're going to *make believe that they're all around the same age..are sitting around outside of Bishounen High. There's Yohji, the skater, dressed in baggy shorts and a Zebrahead tee with a cigarette dangling out of his mouth, Schu, the punk, wearing plaid bondage shorts, boots and a Dropkicks Murphys tee, Brad, the overachiever, in a Smiths tee *bwaahahaha…* and jeans, Farfie, the freakish one*like me!* with his hair about 5 different colors, a King Crimson tee and baggy jeans, Ken, the jock, who's wearing a soccer jersey, short-shorts and those cute socks that soccer players wear…Omi and Nagi, the adorable little computer geeks, both dressed in black slacks and plaid shirts ^^;; and finally, Aya, the raver, wearing big-ass baggy glow-stick pants, a Big in Japan tee and a pink Hello Kitty bag with stars plastered all over it)

Yohji: (leaning on Aya's shoulder) Did you guys hear what happened to Sakura-chan?

Schu: *lacing up his Doc Martens(drool)* Did she finally fall down a well and die?

Yohji: Well…no and yes.

Brad: *admiring Schu* Yeah, people are saying that she was beat to death with one of those blow-up dolls.

Guys: Ehhh?????!!!!

Brad: And it looked exactly like you. *points at Aya, who sits there glaring*

Aya: And I care about this why?

Omi: *with Nagi on his lap* Do they know who did it?

Yohji: Nope, the police don't have any leads…(puffs on his cigarette)

(Principal Persia suddenly emerges near them and looks at Yohji, glaring)

Schu: *smirks* Busted…

Principal Persia: Yohji, how many times have I told you that cigarette smoking is not allowed on campus?!

Yohji: *shrugs and takes another drag* Who cares? I'm not bothering anyone…

Principal Persia: *yanks the cigarette out of his mouth* This will be your seventh detention in the past two weeks!

Yohji: Annnnd…?

Schu: *snickers*

Principal Persia: That goes for you, too, young man.

Schu: *immediately stops laughing* Hey!

(later, Farfie is at Schu's house and the two are fighting over the remote)

Farfie: *yanks* I wanna watch the Coal Chamber video!

Schu: *yanks* I wanna see the Clash video!

(they yank back and forth until the both lose their grips on the remote and it falls to the ground, turning the channel to a Christina Aguilera video)

Both: AHHHHHHH!!!!

(the phone rings)

Schu: That's probably Brad. *dives on the couch and picks it up* Y'ello?

Scary voice: Hello, Schuldig…

Schu: Oh, Brad, you have no idea about the things that I wanna do to you-

Voice: Um, this isn't B-

Schu: -and how I think of you at night when I'm going to sleep-

Voice: Wait a minute!

Schu: -and how your naked body would feel against mine-

Voice: This isn't Brad!

Schu: …PERVERT! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT BEFORE?!

Voice: *auditory sweatdrop*

Schu: And how did you know my name? Who are you?

Voice: Your worst nightmare…

Schu: …RICHARD SIMMONS WITH A BIG SWIRLLY LOLLIPOP AND A JUMPER?! AHHHHHH!!!!

Farfie: *blinks*

Voice: No, no!

Schu: *panting* Oh, okay then…well, time to say bye-

Voice: If you hang up I'll tell everyone about your little crush on Farfie…

Schu: Eep.

Voice: *quiet maniacal laughter* Why don't you come outside?  

Schu: Um, aright then…*gets up*

Farfie: Who's on the phone?

Schu: Don't worry about it…*opens the door and walks outside* Okay, am I supposed to see something out here? *nothing happens* Pft, what a waste of time…*is grabbed from behind by someone and screams* GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!

Farfie: Wha?? *sees a scary figure in an even scarier Ronald Reagan mask trying to stab Schu* Bastard, let go of him! *runs over and jumps on the scary figure's back and starts choking him*

Scary Figure: Ack! *lets go of Schu and tries to grab Farfie instead*

Farfie: *takes off his spiked collar and tries to hit him with it*

Scary Figure: *jabs at him with the knife, barely missing him*

Schu: *starts to run over but stops in mid-step by a sound, as are the others…*

(outside 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' plays repetitively)

Everyone: *look at each other* Ice cream! *they run outside*

Schu: *shoving money in the ice cream man's face* I want a Klondike Bar!

Farfie: Firecracker Pop!

Scary Figure: Choco-Taco!

Schu: *stops and thinks* Don't I know someone else who likes Choco-Tacos?

Ice Cream Man:  *screams and throws them their ice cream before speeding away, tires screeching*

Scary Figure: *strutting away with his ice cream* Eh, I'll kill you both some other day…bye for now! 

Farfie and Schu: *happily eat their ice cream and wave back*

Yup, that was a pretty lame part…just my style!


	3. As the idiocy continues...

(later, much to Schu and Farfie's disappointment, they have been dragged down to the police station to answer some questions about the "Scary Figure". Both are sitting next to Officer Botan's desk.. Schu is whistling while staring off into space, Farfie is trying to adjust the chain that connects from his nose ring to his ear ring that got caught on his eyebrow ring *Farfie: _ Stupid cheap piece of crap…* and Officer Botan is intent on making yet another paper airplane)

Schu: *sighs and glares at Officer Botan* Nothing big happened, okay? Can we just go home now?

Officer Botan: (a pile of paper airplanes reaching the ceiling next to him) I still need to keep you in for questioning anyway. We need all the information we can on this guy before he strikes again…

Schu: *groans* Who CARES if some stupid people die? I need to get home to tape 'When Rabid Fangirls Attack', dammit! That's more important!

Farfie: *rolls eyes* For once, he's right…

(suddenly the doors the police station burst open and Brad is dragged inside in handcuffs)

Brad: FREAKING HELL, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

Cop: Oh, yeah, well how do you explain *this*? *reaches in his pocket to pull out…a Weiss yaoi doujinshi!* Uh, you didn't see that…*shoves it back in and pulls out…a Choco Taco wrapper!*

Brad: What does that mean?! So what if I got a little hungry, that doesn't mean anything!

Schu and Farfie: *blink*

Brad: *noticing them* Guys, you know it wasn't me! Tell them it wasn't me!

Schu: Can we go now?

Brad: *being dragged into another room* GUYS! TELL THEM IT WASN'T ME!

Officer Botan: Well, it is pretty late…

Brad: GUYYYYS! 

Schu: Yeah, thanks for nothing…*stomps out*

Farfie: *starts to follow until he trips over his big clunky shoes and falls* Argh…*tries to get up only to find that his chain is caught on a loose nail sticking up from the floor* Maybe this thing was a bad idea…

~*~

(later that night, Schu and Farfie are at Aya's house watching tv)

Aya: *glares at them* I told you never to come here again.

Schu: *rolls eyes* Well, there was all this police tape around my house, what were we supposed to do?!

Aya: *points at Farfie* You should have gone to his house…

Schu: Riiiiiiight…

Farfie: *with a carton of Hagen Daz ice cream* Hey!

Aya: You can stay here tonight…but if I catch you trying to sneak into my bed this time, I'll kill you.

(silence)

Schu: *bursts out laughing*

Farfie: *giggles*

Aya: *laughs along*

(everyone is…laughing. And we all know how scary that is when Aya does it)

Aya: …I'm serious.

(everyone shuts up and the phone rings)

Aya: *sighs* I'll be back in a minute. *turns to walk away*

Schu: Don't be too long, sweetie…*grins*

Aya: *throws a random katana at his head before walking away*

Schu: Gah! *ducks*

Farfie: *turns the channel to the Coal Chamber 'Loco' video and grins*

Schu: *glares and yanks the remote away and turns the channel to the Clash 'London Calling' video*

Farfie: *pouts*

Aya: *walks in the room with the phone and stares at Schu with a deathglare* It's for you, skank.

Schu: Huh? *Farfie grabs the remote away and turns the channel back to Coal Chamber* D'oh! *takes the phone and clears his throat* Hello?

Scary Voice: Helllllo, Schuldig-*is drowned out by Farfie*

Farfie: *jumping up and down around the living room, singing* Man, screw down, use the system, use the main plan, full power up to the point, man, don't fuck with meeeeeeeee!!! LOCO! LOCO! LOCO! LOCO! LOCOOOOOOO!!!

Schu: You'll have to speak up, I can't hear you with all the damn NOISE*shoots Farfie a look*

Scary Voice: *saying something, still drowned out*

Schu: *sighs* You'll have to call me back…*hangs up*

Aya: *watching Farfie destroying the living room* NO! NOT THE $5, 000 VASE!

*CRASH*

Aya: *crying* Nooo, nooooo…

~*~

(the next day at school, the guys are in Chem class, which is being taught by none other than Masafumi. All the students look very scared)

Professor Masafumi: *holding out a test tube of some mystery liquid* Does anyone want to take a guess at what kind of concoction this is?

Yohji: *staring at the bell, vigorously tapping his feet* Come on, ring you stupid thing…

Farfie: *gripping his desk and gritting his teeth*

Aya: *rocks back and forth*

Omi: *bites his nails*

Schu: *repeatedly hits his watch*

Nagi: *sweatdrop*

Professor Masafumi: *eyes scan the room until they land on Ken, who is napping and smiles*

Everyone else: *eyes widen*

Professor Masafumi: *walks over to Ken and nudges him* Ken…Ken…

Ken: *groans and buries his face in his hands*

Professor Masafumi: Ken…WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ken: *bolts up* Ah?!

Professor Masafumi: *smiles pleasantly* Now that our guinea pi-*volunteer* is awake, let's feed him my mixture and see what course nature will decide to take. *hands Ken the test tube* Drink up.

Ken: Huh? *takes it and observes it for a minute* …okay! *downs it and nothing happens. He blinks* That was kind of strong…

Everyone: *sighs in relief*

(suddenly Ken turns into a big horrible monster with tentacles and the works)

Everyone: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! *they all run out of the classroom*

Ken: Eh? What's wrong, guys? Aya, wait! *runs after them*

Aya's voice: HE'S TURNED INTO A TENTACLE-RAPING SEX DEMON!

Ken's voice: Tentacle-raping sex demon? Where?! I'm scared, Aya, hold me! 

Masafumi: Hmmm…I think that was supposed to happen…or maybe not. Oh, well, there's always next time! *whistles happily and walks out*

Intercom: Please remain calm. There is a monster terrorizing the school with tube socks and an orange sweatshirt tied around its waist. We ask that you exit the building in an orderly fashion. Thank you. 


	4. Damn Candy Kids...

Ah, it's just an all-out scary film mockery now!

(later that night, the gang is at Aya's house, all sitting in front of the tv, including Ken who is still a monster)

Ken: *sighs forlornly* Aya, does this mean that you're not going to the junior prom with me?

Aya: I'd rather go out with superintendent Takatori than go to a *prom*. 

Ken: *stares down* Wow, you must *really* hate me now…

Aya: Uh, don't worry, Ken. It's what's on the inside that counts. 

Ken: Really?

Aya: Yeah, sure. And besides, next week is our one-month anniversary of going steady. I was planning on taking you to "Inspiration Point".

Ken: *claps tentacles…if that's possible*

Aya: *gets up* But I should be going anyway. My friend invited me somewhere and it's an hour away. *grabs a random glow stick*

Brad: *rolls eyes* I cannot believe your idiocy…I mean, what is the purpose of dancing to techno all night with big pants, pacifiers and glow sticks?  

Aya: …

Brad: *self-satisfied smirk*

Aya: You will die. *walks out*

Brad: *laughs to himself and grabs his jacket, slinging it over his shoulder* I have a show to attend at the local coffee house. Anyone care to join me?

Ken: Well…Aya's out for the night…so, I'll go with you! It'll be fun!

Brad: No soccer inside.

Ken: Ohhhh…well, I *guess* I could sit still for 5 minutes.

Brad: Did you take your Ritalin today?

Ken: Of course! ….actually, no. No, I didn't.

Brad: *hand to head* What fun this will be…*they both walk out, Brad sighing and Ken skipping*

Yohji: *gets up and stretches* Well, I have a date tonight with the president of the drama club. *grins* She's into role-playing…

Nagi: Dear god, we didn't have to hear that from your mouth.

Yohji: *pouts* See what happens when you come to me for some! *runs a hand up his own ass* You can't have *this*.

Nagi: *rolls eyes* Oh, woe is me…

Yohji: *throws his hair back and struts out*

Omi: *stands and tugs on Nagi's shoulder* Come on, Nagi-kun. We have to go back to my house and…uhh…study. *smiles*

Nagi: *grins* Oh, right, I forgot about that! *they are both gone in a flash, leaving a dust cloud*

Schu and Farfie: *hack before glaring death at each other*

Farfie: Don't you have somewhere *else* to go?

Schu: No, I'm just fine riiiiight here. *plants his behind firmly on the couch*

(silence for a few minutes…)

Farfie: …

Schu: …

Farfie: *mutters* …punk sucks.

Schu: *deathglare* WHAT was that?

Farfie: You heard me.

Schu: Yeah, well your stupid metal sucks! Just a bunch of pansies bitching and screaming into a mike!

Farfie: What the hell do you think your punk is? It's a bunch of drunken idiots yelling in British accents, playing 3 chords the whole song!

Schu: Kiss my ass! 

Farfie: *stands up* Tool could kick all of your stupid punk bands' asses!

Schu: *stands up* The Vibrators would kill all of your pansy-ass metal bands!

Farfie: PUNK SUCKS!

Schu: METAL SUCKS!

Farfie: RAMMSTEIN!

Schu: THE CASUALTIES!

Farfie: CRADLE OF FILTH!

Schu: THE EXPLOITED!

Farfie: FEAR FACTORRRRRRY!

Schu: DEAD KENEDYYYYYYYS!

Schu and Farfie: METAL/PUNK SUCKS!

(they each stand there panting for a minute, glaring daggers at one another. Then without warning they go at it like 2 dogs in heat)

~*~later…~*~

(both lie in Aya's bed, looking very worn out. Schu smokes a cigarette and Farfie is still trying to catch his breath)

Farfie: Well, uhhh…that was unexpected.

Schu: *grins* That was amazing… 

Farfie: So, what are we now? 

Schu: Huh? What do you mean?

Farfie: Are we going out now or something?

Schu: *chuckles and takes a drag from his cigarette* Ah, silly, naïve Farfie, of course we aren't! What makes you think that?

Farfie: I guess because we just had wild animal sex.

Schu: And wasn't it great?

Farfie: *sighs* You're becoming more and more like Yohji everyday…

Schu: *sits up* But anyway, metal still sucks…

Farfie: *growls*

(there is a knock on the door)

Schu: Oh, freaking hell, who's there?!

(silence, save for the Friday the 13th 'Ch, ch, ch, ch, ch' noise)

Schu: Uh, okay, very funny, Aya. Look, sorry we screwed on your bed and everything but we figured you'd never find out, I swear!

(another knock, heavier this time)

Schu: Goddammit, okay, I'm coming! *grabs a sheet to wrap around himself and stomps to the door, throwing it open*

Schu: Alright, here I a-…huh? Who the hell are you?!

(a guy in a hockey mask stands there holding a knife)

Farfie: Aw, crap! *struggles to put his pants on*

Schu: *shoves the guy* Where the hell do *you* get the audacity to just walk into this house and make *me* get up to answer the door after such exhausting physical activity, huh?!

Farfie: Schu, I think that's Jason Voorhees! 

Schu: Eh? *gets up close to the guy and peers into his face* Oh, so it is! *thinks about it for a minute* Wait, that's Jason Voorhees…Farfie, I second that: Aw, crap. 

Jason: *tries stabbing Schu, who ducks and throws his sheet over him*

Schu: Die, bitch! 

Jason: *hindered by the sheet staggers into a wall, backs up, does it again, backs up, does it again, backs up…*

Farfie: This is the stupidest fic we've ever been in.

Schu: Hey, at least I kicked his ass! Look at him! *whistles* Here, Jason, here, boy! *cackles* 

Farfie: Don't antagonize him, you idiot!

Schu: What's gonna do?! He's practically blind. *goes over and hits Jason in the head*    

Jason: *growls and tries to grab him*

Schu: *easily evades him and hops back on the bed* I think that a nice long nap would do you some good, Farfie, you seem tense.

Farfie: …I guess. But you stay awake and watch him!

Schu: *waves hand* Hey, don't worry, I'm on it!

~*~5 minutes later…~*~

(both are snoring and have started on their way to dreamland…O.o)

Ah, the battle of punk and metal…it can never be won!  


End file.
